Herbal Health

Set aside one morning for the spouse spa assignment. It must be a morning and not a late-night encounter. You must be alone and in your private intimacy place. Hire a babysitter if you have to, and take some time off work. You must make this program a priority, for as I pointed out in Chapter One, failure to do so will eventually ob vou both of sexual fulfillment. On two different days, one day for each of you, give your spouse a complete spa treatment. Bathe him or her, wash, dry, and comb the hair, provide a massage that your spouse might like, and wrap her or him comfortably in bed. Bring food, turn on some music, and then read aloud a short story. Do some research for all of this. You will have to interview your nartner to be sure it is a spa day he or she will like and not your version of the day. Find a short story that conveys an important message about your relationship.

“Now you’re talking. I loved that day. I have never, ever enjoyed anything as much,” reported one husband. He was talking about being the spa-er, not the spa-ee, about providing his wife with this opportunity.

“I loved it, too, both parts,” reported his wife. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before. I don’t remember getting so turned on.”

There is no rule about not having sex at this time, but the focus is on the spa experience, not the sex. I have not found it helpful to delay sexual interaction in the treatment program, but I warn that anything that was wrong might still be wrong, so the sex just happens. The spa is not a test. If you are thinking of testing your sex, then don’t have sex. Just do the spa experience. If sex is delayed as some type of ultimate end goal, the “real” thing, it is taken out of its natural, intimate context.

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It’s hard to think back to then, but it seems like we never really dated in the formal sense. We just sort of found each other, went out, and assumed we would marry. Come to think of it, I never asked her.

HUSBAND

The following five rules appeared repeatedly in the courtship stories of the thousand couples. Even those couples who had been childhood sweethearts, never dating anyone else, experienced aspects of each of the following rules. Do you remember any of this? Talk about it with your spouse. Take your own bonding history.

Rule One: You Always Lie to the One You Love

Never, but never, tell the complete truth too soon to someone who might be a possible bonding partner. Keep your emotional cards close to your vest. If things get serious, you can always modify any lies later. The idea now is to present yourself, not represent yourself.

The rule seems to mean to be careful, because if you start telling your real feelings too soon, you might develop even more real feelings without sufficient time to get ready for them. The truth is a serious thing, and no one tells the truth early in a relationship, because you should not get too serious too soon.

Rule Two: Declare Romantic Immunity

State early, often, and loudly that you are not looking for a commitment at this time. Of course, a commitment is exactly what you are looking for, but you must maintain immunity from being hurt yourself and be available just in case another, better partner comes along. If it gets out that you are looking for a serious relationship, it may weaken your position in the pursuer/pursuee game.

Rule Three: Always Be the Pursued, Not the Pursuer

Try to give your number and have the other person call you. You must create the illusion that your romantic options are endless and any person interested in you may have to wait in a long line. Never answer the phone with “Oh great, I was hoping against hope that you would be calling.” Answer instead with, “Yes, I think I remember you.” All of us have only a limited number of people to choose from, but we must never let that be known to each other.

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